Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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