he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Randomize
