she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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