And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
