I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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