you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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