Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
