Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
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In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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