hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
don't judge my taste in strippers
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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