Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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