Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
