8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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