Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
