I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
