so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
