Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
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I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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