I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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