there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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