She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
