I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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