Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
