bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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