3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
