then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
