So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
