oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
