my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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