my mouth tastes like poor choices
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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