i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
