Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
