Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
