You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
