we have officially lost it.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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