He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
