Swine flu. Run for my life!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
