hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
