My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
