If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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