On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The uberlube is also flammable
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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