fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
