Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
