Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
