I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
