Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
