a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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