I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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