At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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