Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
