i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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