I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I need to stop coming to work sober
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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