Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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