Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
