Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
