You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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