I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
