Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
