the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
sarcasm needs its own font
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
