I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
