please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
