She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
