I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
