wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
